I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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