i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
