I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
