Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
