what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
