He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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