Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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