My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
