dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
