Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
