I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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