I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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