i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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