I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
