Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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