If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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