I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
