i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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