Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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