I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Someone came in the potted fern
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
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