I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
