god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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