she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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