Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I stole a fireplace last night.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
