is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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