He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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