i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
