I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Randomize
