M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
