Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
