JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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