my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
As shirtless as possible
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
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