im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
