I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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