i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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