Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Randomize
