Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
that is very illegal...i love you.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
