On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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