My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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