for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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