Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
