They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
