Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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