i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
My life is pants optional.
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