Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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