I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
