What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
