i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
