ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
