im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Randomize
