the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
