if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
