and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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