Umm I'm too high to move.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
